First Parish Bedford UU

Coping with Uncertainty

A Collective Sermon...

by Rev. John E. Gibbons, et al

delivered on Sunday, January 25, 2009

at The First Parish in Bedford, Massachusetts

“Let mystery have its place in you; do not be always turning up your whole soil with the ploughshare of self-examination, but leave a little fallow corner in your heart ready for any seed the winds may bring...”

—Henri Frederic Amiele

Friends,

In January [2009], I sent the following note to our email discussion list:

Hi everybody...

This Sunday I’ll be preaching about “Coping With Uncertainty” (as if I knew). One of the things I’m uncertain about is how to preach on this topic. Yeah, you’re right: I preached about anxiety last month; but I expect this will be different. For one thing, I’d like your input. How do YOU cope with uncertainty? What advice or insight do you have? What sermon would you preach?

And, yes, this is a lot like Tom Sawyer getting his friends to paint the picket fence.

Send your wisdom, strategies, tactics, clichés, poems and witticisms to me privately, please.

Thank you!
John

I was overwhelmed—not only by the volume but by the poignancy, power, humor and clarity of responses I received. When these were read in church, you could hear a pin drop as everyone listened closely to one another's words. For this compilation, thanks go to Mary Ann Gembicki who helped me edit, sometimes severely, and to Nancy Daugherty and Joan Petros who assembled and produced.

And again thank you—for writing, reading, caring and coping.

The girls and I are on a road trip through Texas and Oklahoma this week. We started by visiting my mother in a nursing home in Oklahoma City

Today, our lovely drive to Abilene began as a straight shot into the sunset. The girls enjoyed watching the horizon turn from blue to rose to fiery orange. Unfortunately, this was followed by 3 hours of driving straight toward the horizon in the dark, punctuated only by road kill including a deer carcass that the coyotes hadn’t finished. (Apparently, people out here don’t brake for much.) We speculated which of the distant lights was the alien space ship coming to kidnap us….

As we approached Abilene, we discovered that the highway system was under construction and our GPS system needs to be updated. As the lights of Abilene passed to our left, we had good laughs at our frustration trying to find the exits that the GPS was naming. The girls suggested phrases the GPS would use if she were human, none of them appropriate for your sermon.

My point is this: uncertainty isn’t boring. My best memories are of the times we made it up as went, loudly announcing “Okay, Plan G!”

To Quote Albert Einstein, “If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn’t call it research.”

You have told the story in the past where something bad actually turns out to be something good. I don’t remember it word for word but somewhere in it a farmer’s son breaks his arm and can’t help with the harvest (bad) then the army comes and does not take him because of his broken arm (good) ...

As with that story even if the bad thing happens some good and maybe even a better good comes out of it. It is nearly impossible to see at that point in time but looking back it certainly is true. Breaking up with past girl friends may have seemed terrible at the moment but if not I would not have the wonderful wife I now do.

The greatest uncertainty I had was when (our daughter) had cancer. I was uncertain if she would live (actually in the beginning I was fairly certain she would not). Maybe this is easier for me because she did live, but our focus (especially my wife’s) was doing everything we could to get her healthy. In the end I feel I appreciate my children more than I did before and I feel closer to my wife than I did before.

As I become uncertain about my job (19 years at the same company) I start to get my resume together. I start to make contacts with colleagues I have not talked with in a long time. I hope that if I lose my job that I find a better job. I think about what I should push for in terms of severance.

Put your pants on. In fact, being fully clothed really helps. Life is rarely certain, but most of my greatest moments of uncertainty involved me in a johnny. I am convinced I would have handle my various ludicrous medical situations if I'd been given street clothes... and a morphine pump.

How do I cope with uncertainty?

Ineptly.

Information, by definition, is that which reduces uncertainty. I have been developing ways to cope with confusion and uncertainty by improving the quality of precise information for about 40 years.

A straightforward strategy is to identify sources of worthless complexity in our information and eliminate them. The main obstacle to progress has been prestigious organizations and leaders that do not want their worthless complexity eliminated.

My main advice on coping with collective confusion and uncertainty would be to try to assure that there is some institutional competence and sanity on the subject of expressing precise information simply. I haven’t been able to find any.

Your prayer is important to us.
Please stay on your knees for the next available god.

Most days when I feel strong, I view uncertainty as life’s adventure, opening me to lovely serendipitous discoveries. On down days, I sweat out making personal decisions with uncertain outcome. Sometimes my loss.

As a liberal, I often view important issues to be in shades of gray, rather than black or white, right or wrong. Doubt and uncertainty can be virtues when trying to understand both sides of any issue, and then take action in confidence.

I’m tempted to say “when haven’t I been uncertain?” but that’s the drama queen talking.

To some extent, uncertainty is a constant aspect of life. We act on the best available info at the time and use hindsight to figure out how we can improve things next time.

Sometimes—perhaps more often than we like to accept—doing nothing is the best approach.

If it’s late in the day and the uncertainty seems threatening, I tell myself to wait until the morning because things almost always look better from that vantage point.

I gather information—pros, cons, get some advice, take action or wait awhile?

Immediate action usually ain’t the best.

If it’s “take action,” after doing as much research as possible, I go with my gut. Often that acts in my best interest long before the understanding of why enters the head,

If the issue is something like the detritus of the Bush administration, I pretty much despair and figure there’s little I can do. That recognition brings me to counting my blessings in my smaller personal world.

For anxious people “uncertainty” means something bad will probably happen. To others it simply means unknown.

Advice—have a plan A&B, but let go of the unknowable. Know what is truly important.

On a personal note—my family moved a lot, often with housing and employment up in the air—my mother frequently said “It will work out somehow” and it usually did. (I guess some look to God for this.) I think First Parishioners express confidence in ourselves that “it will work out,” meaning church efforts such as rummage sales, potlucks, lay services, etc.

Uncertainty has certainly been a huge force in my life for several years now. I have no magic answers, and there are definitely moments when I just need to cry to release a lot of pent up tension. But the main thing I keep having to remind myself is that this moment will pass, and I will still be standing on my two feet. If I have to do something differently, I will. If I have to compromise on my lifestyle for awhile, so be it. Giving in to my anxiety over uncertainty only adds to my stress level, so I try to consciously center my thoughts and my “self.” Breathing definitely is part of it, as I notice that when my anxiety increases my breathing almost stops!

I had a friend in Albuquerque back in the 1970s who taught me an interesting perspective. When he realizes his anxiety is getting out of control he looks over his shoulder and asks himself, “Is this going to kill me?” If the answer is “no,” he realizes it’s not worth wasting too much energy on it.

The problem is not the uncertainty; the problem is the notion that uncertainty is something that has to be coped with. Other than death and taxes, what else is certain anyway? How ‘bout growing to accept or even love uncertainty? Stop being a drama queen!

FAITH, in one’s friends, in oneself that you will make the right decision, support networks (counseling, friends, minister) and multiple medications help quite a bit!

I remember those times in my life when things were uncertain (and what got me through).

Therapy came to mind—I have been in therapy most of my life from the time I was 10 years old until now. I also turned to my “networks of support”—school, work, church, friendships and social groups.

I remember returning to therapy when my father told me that he was leaving my mother after 38 years of marriage, but what got me through therapy was my Faith, my inner centering and need for spiritual enrichment. After suffering a broken heart last month and being hospitalized… it was my Faith that got me through. And having a psychiatrist on speed dial to write a prescription or two doesn’t hurt either.

I’ve never understood the saying that there is nothing certain but death and taxis. Have you ever tried getting a taxi to the airport during rush hour?

Find support! In times of crisis and uncertainty, I tend to go into some sort of centrifugal force of confusion and alarm, but finding people who have faced similar events has proven most helpful to me. Though I’m not very patient, waiting helps, too. Sometimes you have to give yourself a little time to calm down and reflect.

When I was a Presbyterian, we sang a hymn with words by John Greenleaf Whittier, “Dear Lord and Father of Mankind, Forgive Our Foolish Ways,” with the last line being from I Kings, 19:11: “O still, small voice of calm.”

One of the things we say with the kids when they are afraid of uncertainty, we say, “What’s the worst that could happen? And what’s the best that could happen?” And we point out how the worst is usually the status quo.

Yet I can’t get it to work on MYSELF. I’ll say, “If I ask for a raise, what’s the worst that could happen?” My brain doesn’t stop at, “They would say no, and I’d be in the same place…” My brain continues on to the not rational: “They’d say no, and they’d laugh at me, and not renew my contract, and tell everyone in the industry that I’m greedy and miserable, etc., etc., etc.”

It makes me think of those Worst Case Scenario books that were popular a few years back—survival tips in case of an airplane crash kind of thing—and how they really didn’t need to get so exotic. What’s the worst that could happen if you use a public restroom? Well, bubonic plague, duh!

I’m not sure I had a point.

For me, having a child has taught me a lot about coping with uncertainty. I have no idea what kind of person she will be. I have no idea whether or not she will love me or hate me or want to do the things I love to do. Will she be Pagan or Christian, homosexual or heterosexual, vegetarian or omnivorous? None of these things are in my control. I have to remind myself daily that I can only try to be the very best father I can be. I give her love and guidance and I give her room to explore but she will make all those choices many times over as she grows.

We can never be certain about what others will feel about us and the more we try to obtain that certainty, the more it slips away. It is like trying to grasp water. The tighter you close your fingers around it the more it finds ways to escape.

There’s a lot to be said about being able to adapt to change, and most people are fairly good at being able to do so. But uncertainty is another matter. I think it undermines our confidence in ourselves and the world around us. There’s a certain comfort in knowing that ‘things will turn out all right in the end’. I’m just not sure right now what that ‘all right’ will be like!

I keep trying to imagine what it was like for my parents, married in 1931 in the midst of the Great Depression. I grew up hearing stories of how they scraped and scrimped to ‘get by,’ as they called it. My contemporaries and I were raised with the ‘make it do, wear it out, and do without’ philosophy, and I’d like to think if I had to I could rise to the challenge. I’ve even saved the whole set of Foxfire books (you know, the series written in the 1970s, telling us how to build our own cabins, stone walls, make butter, etc.)… but I’d like awfully much not to have to use them!

Right now I’m feeling like I could write a book about this topic.

(Everything that has happened to me lately) has created a great deal of uncertainty in my life. I don’t know what has happened to my marriage or what will happen… or whether I will be able to get a job given the economy. I don’t know how best to deal with what is put before me day-to-day… how to respond…

I remember dealing with something similar when (my son) was in (trouble). I didn’t know whether he would live or die…

I realized then that the biggest problem I had was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making a mistake and of the consequences that might bring. Nothing was real, everything was a mystery and if I couldn’t see through the darkness and had one misstep, it might all fall apart. There was no way of knowing what would happen next no matter what I did. And that’s when I decided that what I really needed was faith and hope. Faith, I thought, really does come from the things you know….

Faith in God entered into the mix, too. Of course, I don’t know there is a God or there isn’t, but I do know that the idea of God had always given me comfort and that whether God was anything like I what I learned about in school, or just some natural order of things that made it okay to live and die. It didn’t matter.

Now… I focus on what I do know… that my kids need me to be strong and consistent, that I need to keep myself healthy mentally and physically, and that I can do a great many things to help myself succeed in those areas and to ensure my future and my children’s futures will be safe and secure. There are things I can do in all those areas to help lessen the uncertainties.

I guess I sorta feel like Life is uncertainty and we really don’t have much choice but to cope. One thing is certain: I will have to live with the consequences of my coping choices, so I had better pick responses that make me feel honest, and at least somewhat comfortable with myself and others. Sometimes there is just no way to know what’s ahead and when it looks a little scary, I guess I have given myself the old “You hold the genes of thousands of years of survivors of much worse stuff” lecture. Nature is a great balm to me; I don’t know where lightning will strike, but I know the sun will rise and set with dignity and beauty for all who care to notice. I do have a real sense of wonder. Primitive, maybe, but o.k.

As a grateful member of Al-Anon, I fall back on their slogans when faced with uncertainty. I try to take things “One Day at a Time.” I try to remember that “This Too Shall Pass.” I used to have trouble with “Let Go, Let God” because I don’t believe in god, until my mentor pointed out that the real issue is not so much giving up to God’s will, as much as recognizing that I am not god!

I use my own version of the Serenity Prayer:

Spirit of Life, grant me the serenity to accept the things
I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

When I face uncertainty, I repeat this to myself, focusing on Serenity.

Obviously, there are different causes, and thus types, of uncertainty. There is the omnipresent, generalized uncertainty of what the future will hold—particularly timely in these economically fragile times. There is also the uncertainty which may arise when one is facing an important decision, or choice. Confronting the latter, I have learned that it is always helpful to gather more information.

This has been useful to me time and again.

We just returned a few hours ago from Burlington, VT to see my 49 year old cousin, most likely for the last time... She’s been fighting pancreatic cancer for over a year and is losing ground rapidly… Talk about “coping with uncertainty!” I had no idea what to expect...

After the initial shock of seeing her… just a beautiful mane of hair, big eyes, and lots of teeth… a true shadow of herself… we gradually connected again, however, not knowing how long it would last, as she just drifted in and out with her eyes wide open...

One of my favorite sayings is by Cardinal Newman: “If we all waited until we could do something well enough, nothing would ever get done.” We gotta jump in, and tread water ’til we get swimming.

My antidote is to remember where I came from, what my forebears went thru, and what we have all survived...

Bottom line… (visiting my cousin) became a five hour visit—a total lovefest, laughing and crying, but a visit I might have missed, if I let the fear of uncertainty determine my actions… I had the chance to tell her once again that I love her and that she’ll always be with me… Our hearts are connected “indefinitely”...

Embrace it.

First you feel the shock and anxiety of realizing that you don’t know exactly what’s going to happen (as if you ever really did) and you really aren’t in control (as if you ever really were). You remind yourself that your trajectory is still pretty decent, especially compared with most everyone else in the world. Even if you don’t know everything, you can have reasonable expectation of dinner and a roof and not dying today or tomorrow.

Once you get past all that “shock and awe,” you realize that you don’t really need to have that “certainty,” that you can live with a shorter time horizon and still do just fine. You find that life is what’s happening today too, not just what you expect to happen tomorrow or next year or ten years from now. You can still prepare for the future, but you can do so without necessarily knowing how it is going to play out—you just make the best moves you can now, and trust that you can deal with the future.

Finally, I think you find that once you let go of the “certainty,” you live much more in the here and now and less for the future. And that is actually a more relaxing and rewarding way of life.

Some days I’m better at this than others....

On a related note—I just finished a book that I loved called The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler. Among other things I found appealing or amusing in the book was a chapter on “wishing well’’ … The eight-fold path:

1) SD-SU-CD —Sit Down, Shut Up, and Calm Down

2) Pick a wish target

3) Close your eyes

4) Breathe deeply and abdominally

5) Place your left hand over your heart

6) Press your right hand gently but firmly on your left hand

7) On exhaling, whisper your wish

8) Use eight short words

...not sure what eight short words I’d use for my wish in coping with uncertainty—but worthy of thought!

My wife and I... have often remarked on how we seem to have quite different approaches to uncertainty. In general, I tend to feel less uncomfortable with it than she does. Maybe that’s related to the “men don’t want to ask directions” syndrome—I’d rather try to find my way than ask someone to resolve the uncertainty. But I love my GPS device and maps in general, so it’s not that I don’t want to know where I’m going ... I just like to figure it out on my own—and if I get lost, the willingness to live with uncertainty is stronger than the desire to seek help from someone else. (Maybe men feel they lose face by asking someone else to resolve their uncertainty, whereas they don’t lose face by consulting a GPS ... maybe for women, who typically are more gregarious or social than men, getting lost presents another opportunity to engage someone else by asking for directions ...)

I’m not certain ...

I always just think about what I found myself with when I went out on my own, which was nothing, except perhaps relationships and the ability to make more, to make choices and get stuff done. (It is the same, more or less, as what we are born with and what we die with. But we don’t remember being born and have yet to die, so I identify with when I became aware of that state, which is when I took my first steps of independence as an adult. This means no house, no real career, no marriage, no car, not much stuff. And you build all this as you go along. But it can all change and you will fall back to lose any one of those, which does not mean you can’t get them again.

This is a bottom-line kind of thinking: “What’s the worse case scenario of this event,” or any events? Going back to square one. And, eventually, if you want to think about it, dying is a process of doing that too….

One poem I have always liked is, by Basho:

When we observe them

calmly we see that all things

Have their fulfillment

A poem I’ve written:

“Between becks and topples”

Sometimes between the becks

and topples is relevance,

in statements, actions,

contradictions, in pieces,

whether satisficing

or deemed benighted,

budged, nudged,

or razzle-dazzled,

While laid out on the high-speed grid

Or stepping off in my head.

The calling card says interaction—

I keep going.

I’ve really only been faced with two whoppers of uncertainty in life.

(Really? Yes. Just two.)

The first was when I learned I was pregnant… Having never had a baby before, I chose to face uncertainty by gathering information, defaulting to research and study and asking my friends who had recently had—or were in the process of having—a baby. I never seemed to get “full” of information until the moment I went into labor. While I was worried about C-sections going into labor, it was a no-brainer once the contractions became relentless. Go ahead. Cut.

The other whopper happened 15 months later when a surgeon told me I had breast cancer. Just like facing the uncertainty of pregnancy, research again proved very calming for me. And I did a LOT of research. Unlike pregnancy, however, after about 8 months I became “full” and stopped devouring everything I could read. Surprisingly, when the cancer returned 4 years later (a new primary), I was still “full” and much calmer about the uncertainty of life.

Going forward, I practice some healthy denial and enjoy the days –and defiantly plan for a long future.

Hey, all of life is uncertain. I never expect more.

How to deal with it? My mother’s advice (and everyone else’s mother as well)—

Always wear clean underwear and carry a dime so you can call home if you need to.

In coping with my wife’s metastatic cancer that is in remission, I focus on what I can do and suppress the anxious thoughts (easier for men who focus on ‘solving’ problems more than females focus on ‘feelings’). Research says disability of a spouse brings the couple together.

Would meditation help in dealing with uncertainty and calm the stressors? Don’t know.

A lot of people say that the rate of change in many aspects of our lives is increasing. Only a couple of generations ago, one could expect to learn a trade or vocation, get a job, and stay in that job until you couldn’t do it anymore.

Marshall McCluhan once said, “Today each of us lives several hundred years in a decade.” The rate of change has compressed to the point at which we need to reinvent ourselves far more frequently than we’d like.

Uncertainty traditionally has negative connotations, but I think it’s here to stay.

So perhaps my message here is: Get used to it!

I suppose one way to cope with all this is to nurture and cherish space in your life where things do stay the same… A nice spot in the park with a comfortable bench you can come to whenever you want, regular meetings with friends and family, favorite tunes you never get tired of on your iPod… whatever. Anything, anywhere, or anyone that helps you feel centered, feel that you are really yourself, is a bulwark against uncertainty.

I reflect a lot on the lives of my relatives and what they went through to make it. I have over 50 first and second cousins... I remind my kids and myself that my mom is 92 and she still gets up every day and she has weathered a lot.

Oh yes—expect suffering, but do it with humility. And yes, we go to shrinks and to church to keep it together. The shrinks help us see that we are just a speck and everyone else is more like us than different, and we go to church just to keep our spirit up and find joy.

If it gets really bad financially we will just go back to where we were before: a two family house in Arlington. That is the mid-point between the West End Boston ghetto that we started in, and the affluent Bedford suburb that we made it to.

Here is my sermon:

We go on as it is in us to do.

How do I cope with uncertainty? That’s like asking how I cope with life, because uncertainty is part of every moment. Theoretically I ascribe to the Buddhist way of living in the moment, or trying to… of being fully aware of the beauty and goodness as well as the suffering of each moment. But that is an ideal and is often very hard to do.

I try to stay connected to other people in my life and to be aware of their needs. Helping each other when possible is often effective in coping with uncertainty.

Two examples:

I am uncertain whether I have enough money to last the rest of my life. I am uncertain how long I will live. Aside from trying to be frugal, there’s not much I can do about this, and I don’t spend much time worrying about it.

I am uncertain about the future of this country and of the world. All situations are unbelievably complex. I don’t understand the myriad forces involved, or how one course of action has so many unintended consequences. I am so overwhelmed by this kind of uncertainty, that I take refuge in things I can understand.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes “It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace.” I try to live my small life in that way….

Oh, all right.

“When in question or in doubt,
Run in circles, jump and shout.”

Works every time.

I am reading Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers which refers to Professor Geert Hofstede’s ideas about “Uncertainty Avoidance.” It deals with the extent to which a particular culture tolerates ambiguity. It lists the top five and the bottom five countries. Gladwell discusses the effect of culture on airlines pilots in emergency situations ... cultures that tend to stick to procedure (Greece, Portugal, Guatemala, Uruguay, Belgium) versus countries that are best able to tolerate ambiguity (Hong Kong, Sweden, Denmark, Jamaica, Singapore).

Ranking “Uncertainty avoidance” measures a country or culture’s preference for strict laws and regulations over ambiguity and risk.

According to Hofstede’s findings Greece (with a score of 112) is the most risk-averse culture while Singapore (8) the least. The U.S. scores 46—no mention of UUs, though I would guess our score would be lower than the general U.S. population.

So how does this manifest in a culture or country?

Below are some of the common traits found in countries that score high on the uncertainty avoidance scale:

Countries or cultures that avoid uncertainty tend to be those with a long history. The population is not multicultural, i.e. homogenous.
- Risks, even calculated, are avoided in business.
- New ideas and concepts are more difficult to introduce.

Those that score low on the uncertainty avoidance scale include:

Countries with a young history, such as the U.S. The population is much more diverse due to waves of immigration.
- Risk is embraced as part of business.
- Innovation and pushing boundaries are encouraged.

For the last year, I have found the book The Secret invaluable.

One of the key focuses is on gratitude, another on positive affirmations, and the power of starting statements to oneself with “I am.” Since the New Year I have been trying to either write down or think about 100 things I am grateful for each day. This morning while I swam I found myself thinking about all of the physical characteristics of the pool and my love for swimming and being thankful for each aspect and then moving into gratitude for one of my mentors and many small attributes that I was appreciating. This journey has been lovely.

I sometimes envision my deceased friends and relatives having a hearty laugh as they watch me deal with all the trappings of physical matter and all that goes with it! When I am in a stew over things, seeing their faces and kind-hearted understanding smiles in my mind’s eye makes me smile and relax. I see the spirit world as reality and time on earth as short-term assignments, and reminding myself of this perspective helps me not to take my troubles any more seriously than I need to!

I have learned from The Secret that it is a “feeling universe” and that our feelings are our guides. We are here to interconnect with others. We get so much data all the time and heeding it is immensely helpful.

Funny because when (my husband) was laid off so unexpectedly this August, the thing that struck us is how much we had been living with the illusion of there being any certainty at all. When that was stripped away, we saw that there is no such thing as security. Not really. And somehow realizing this made us actually feel better about the layoff!

Right before he got laid off but after we heard the news that it was going to happen, we began a new tradition in our family: every night at our family dinner we each share three things about which we are grateful. In the face of uncertainty, we are cultivating gratitude. And it seems to be a good way for us to live together as a family.

For the past 3½ years since my retirement from teaching, I have been “enjoying” the best (by far) years of my life.

So, you can imagine my alarm, when I had very disturbing dreams this Tuesday night. I was packing and getting ready to leave, throwing things out in a terrible hurry... all those material goods and mementoes of my past which I have clung to and hadn’t been able to part with. There was not enough TIME! I was frantically purging, dumping things out. I was “moving on,” “passing over,” and I had no CONTROL. Worst of all, I had a call from a friend, asking why I had not said “goodbye.” In my busyness, I had forgotten!

It shook me to the core. Does it portend some great change, even imminent death?

How have I interpreted the dreams? First, there is a very practical lesson for me… You do need to clean out, throw away those things from your life that will have no meaning to anyone when you are gone. Get busy and do it! The second is what I have always known. I do NOT have control over what will come. I accept that, but with a bit of fear and trembling. All I can do is to TREASURE each and every day that I have and treat it as a blessing, which I do! Then I must hope that when things do change, as I know they will, that I can be strong enough to meet whatever challenges arise. I have a wonderful network of family and friends, as well as my church community, to offer support when I will need it, as well as faith in an ever-present and gracious God.

Doubtfully I ask what is it that accompanies that uncertainty so I can—attack it impetuously; research it thoroughly; anticipate it joyfully; wait it out patiently; hide from it fearfully; or sigh at it as inevitably?

In cognitive-behavioral psychology, as espoused by Albert Ellis, coping with uncertainty is essential to reducing unhealthy levels of anxiety, depression and anger.

Irrational beliefs, like “the world must be the way I want it to be,” encourage low frustration tolerance (LFT). Rational thinking like, “I would like life to be a certain way and I will strive for change but I accept imperfections in myself, others and the world,” encourages high frustration tolerance (HFT).

Ellis’ concern was not with the striving for certainty, order, stability and fairness, but with the dogmatic “insistence” of it.

An even better topic:  how does one deal with certainty? This can be much harder...

1) Make a list, an assessment of a situation. This is what A. Lincoln did when he first encountered slavery. He wrote himself a letter listing pros and cons, decided to be against it. The letter was written when he was 14, as I remember, and was included in one of Carl Sandburg’s Lincoln books.

2) When you are seriously uncertain about a serious matter, ask someone. AVOID GOSSIPS!! But ask someone. Your act of stoicism may have everyone fooled, and if you don’t ask, your uncertainty may lead to a crisis for you. There is uncertainty and then there’s brinksmanship. When you find good advisers that you trust, trust them and their expertise; follow their advice.

3) Finally, consider the church that you have chosen to associate yourself with: UUs aren’t “the chosen people;” we’re a “choosing people.” Therefore we don’t pray as Niebuhr taught: to accept what cannot be changed. To UUs everything can be changed. Slavery can be ended, War go unfunded and rust into nothingness, disease cured, ignorance educated, status quo passed over.

A dancer once told me that dance is self-induced imbalance and the more imbalance a dancer can maintain the better the dance will be. I’m glad I’m not a dancer.

And I’m glad I’m not a minister in these times….

As I consider the challenge of coping with uncertainty, I am reminded of a time when I was in Costa Rica on my own and unable to catch a flight home first due to a serious ear infection and then due to the aftermath of 9/11. After three weeks and numerous trips to the airport trying to get flights that were then cancelled, I felt the weight of uncertainty pulling down my spirits. I felt trapped, alone and afraid. How could I mange without an income and very little Spanish language? I was staying in an inexpensive student’s housing complex. I was the only person there as no new students were arriving and anyone who could leave had gone. One night I couldn’t sleep and I looked out the barred window to the garden. The bars made literal the imprisoned feeling I had. I got out of bed and went into the moon lit night to find myself admiring a mango tree ripe with fruit. The tree beckoned me to accept its offering. I picked a mango and ate it in solitude. I then composed the following poem. Through mindful appreciation of the beauty around me and the power of creativity and imagination, my despair about uncertainty and loneliness evaporated. I felt alive with the possibility of the present. My situation hadn’t changed but my perspective had.

Mango

If you feel trapped, you’re also free

Your mango waits upon its tree

Step outside and pick the fruit
Sweetness sings, it’s never mute

Listen closely, touch the scent
Iron bars have now been bent

Liberty is in the mind

Within you there’s a world to find

Contributors include:

Dennis Ahern

Lyrl Ahern

Donna Argon

Nancy Asbedian

Kevin Backman

Melinda Ballou

Keith Bayen

Christine Bennett

Sandy Boczenowski

Ruth Bragg

Janet Breslau

Cathy Cordes

Ron Cordes

Corinne Doud

Dorothy Ellis

Sue Ellis

Rachel Field

Mary Flatley

Nancy Forrest

Charlie Frean

Karen Frederick

Irene Gravina

Ed Gray

Dean Groves

Laurie Groves

Alma Hart

Betty Hefner

Paul Hill

Mary Hyatt

Merc Kane

Jane Laferriere

Ken Langer

Tom Larkin

Ed Lowry

Dianne Marston

Meredith McCulloch

Eleanor Merz

Maureen Oates

Dorothy Perales

Deb Picciuto

Linda Pollitz

Kim Siebert

Art Smith

Julie McCay Turner

Paul Turner

Colin Valentine

Catherine Van Praagh

Gail Woodbury