The First Parish in Bedford Unitarian Universalist

Thought to Ponder: In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.

Tuesday, May 17, is the first anniversary of legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts. The freedom to marry is still by no means guaranteed – it is under systematic and relentless attack, both in the Commonwealth and all across the nation. Nevertheless and undeterred, today we pause to celebrate marriage – same-sex and straight -- with hopes of continued expansion of civil rights for all.

Special thanks to Pat Brennan, Denise Doucette, Delsey Sherrill, and Peter Cho for participating in today’s service. Pat and Denise were married at First Parish by Rev. John Gibbons on May 22, 2004. Delsey and Peter were married at First Parish by Rev. Sylvia Stocker on August 7, 2004. Today both couples are graciously re-enacting portions of their wedding services for us. Thank you!

Thank you, too, to Ruth Bragg for the loan of a wedding veil.

Opening Words:

When two individuals meet, so do two private worlds. None of our private worlds is big enough so that we could live a wholesome life in it alone. We need the wider world of joy and wonder, of purpose and venture, of toil and tears. What are we, any of us, but strangers and sojourners forlornly answering through the night time, until we draw together and find the meaning of our lives in one another, dissolving our fears in each other’s courage, making music together, and lighting torches to guide us through the dark night? We belong together. Love is what we need, to love and to be loved. Let our hearts be open; and what we would receive from others let us give. For what is given still remains to bless the giver – when the gift is love. -A. Powell Davies

a great good indeed!

I seldom watch television. But I couldn’t resist tuning in to the news coverage on May 17, 2004. It was worth it to watch the camera record gay and lesbian couples across the state legally exchanging wedding vows for the first time in the history of the Commonwealth. Or to see footage of gay and lesbian couples emerging from Cambridge City Hall just after midnight, grasping their marriage licenses in hands held skyward in joy.

Official celebrations marking the Commonwealth’s anniversary will break forth on Tuesday. And, many same-sex couples are approaching their first anniversary of legal marriage this week. There is much to celebrate, indeed.

With joy in the air, Roger and I are taking the opportunity to celebrate marriage – all marriage – today with you. Given the way marriage is so intricately woven into our society’s fabric, given the large numbers of couples who marry – or even remarry after divorce – it seems many recommend the institution. Everybody loves a wedding, but today’s service asks why we like marriage so much. What is marriage for?

In pondering this question, I turned first to my own wedding vows. Here’s what I promised to Steve, my spouse:

So there’s one answer to the question: what is marriage for? Love, fidelity, friendship, parenthood, and partnership are all wrapped up in a lifetime commitment. I suppose Steve’s and my good fortune to have been married now for nearly 18 years can be credited partly to our ability and willingness to live into our vows -- and partly to luck.

But, truth be told, we didn’t have to marry to make or uphold the vows we spoke to each other that September day in 1987. We could have made and kept all of those promises without ever sending out a single wedding invitation or purchasing a single rose. You can love someone, raise children together, and engage in a lifetime of partnership and friendship – all outside the institution of legal marriage.

I don’t want to minimize the value of growing together in relationship or the love we celebrate at weddings. I do want to suggest that legal marriage offers couples something further, in addition. Something a little less romantic; something a little more pragmatic. Here’s a page out of my marriage album, for illustration.

About ten years ago, I was admitted to the hospital, hemorrhaging as a result of a second-trimester pregnancy loss. By the time surgery ended the hemorrhaging, I had lost 5 pints of blood and my blood pressure had fallen precipitously. Without the miracle of modern medicine, I would have lost my life. The experience was pretty scary, and plenty of thoughts and feelings engulfed me that day. But Steve’s position as my legally married spouse – my chosen next of kin – erased some serious concerns from my experience entirely:

· I never worried about inheritance. If I died, Steve would inherit my property, for what it was worth. And the check for my life insurance would have been delivered to him, no questions asked.

· I never worried about the custody of my son, David. If I died, Steve would be considered the surviving parent, no questions asked.

· I never worried about medical decisions. I knew the hospital would let Steve speak for me, if it came to that, no questions asked.

In our society, marriage provides some organization to decisions about such things as inheritance, childcare, and medical care. Marriage helps us to know who’s in charge in a given situation – especially in times of emergency or tragedy. When it comes right down to it, I’m first in line for Steve’s metal turning lathe and his milling machine. Everybody else, stand back! And he gets my theology books, every single one, dubious though the honor may be.

Because I tend to define my marriage with Steve by our emotional partnership, the legal benefits of sharing and the privilege of choosing my own next of kin can be largely invisible to me. But the benefits and privilege of survivorship are nonetheless significant. Divorcing couples quickly discover just how significant when they have to make new arrangements concerning children and finances.

Marriage so thoroughly addresses survivorship and sharing, in fact, that two of my friends married just days before the wife died of brain cancer. That way, without ever drawing up legal documents, the husband inherited the house they owned jointly and the savings they had accumulated over several years of living together. In the words of EJ Graff, “Society uses marriage as shorthand to define who gets to share and who does not.”[1]

That day when I was admitted to the hospital, marriage was working in our favor in another deeply significant way. When Steve reached my bedside, the hospital staff automatically and wholeheartedly welcomed his presence there. No one raised an eyebrow while he waited for me to be wheeled out of surgery.

And later, those among our extended family, friends, and community recognized how deeply frightening the experience was for Steve. At a time when our family was coping with not only the loss of a baby but also my near loss of life, I’m really glad people automatically recognized the depth of our relationship. I’m really glad we didn’t have to spend our energies asserting the legitimacy Steve’s feelings. No one doubted, denied, overlooked, minimized, or castigated my significance to Steve or his to me. At every turn our relationship was affirmed.

With marriage then, it seems we ask the world to recognize our mate as such and to affirm the significance of our bond.

So, what is marriage for? Know this: For Steve and me, we’ll do the relational work of trying to uphold our vows, knowing we enjoy privileges of sharing and survivorship that come along with the legal arrangement. (And, I’ll figure out what to do with that milling machine, if I have to.)

And know this, too: whatever happens to the one of us affects the other of us. So, if something happens to me, give Steve a helping hand, would you? Because he’s the one who matters to me above all others.

What was wrong with me? Was I having a heart attack?

Where is John?

So there I was, lying in an emergency room hospital bed: I had no idea what my condition was; hooked up to IV tubes and EKG machines, I felt abandoned and alone. A nurse came in to get some statistical information: insurance and contact info and so on.

“I’m sorry, there’s no way to list him on this form,” she said, flatly.

I asked her to bring John in to see me, and I suggested that she could get our insurance info from him. “We only allow family here,” she said, and walked away.

Now, the good news is this: I’m just fine. Scared though I was, I wasn’t having a heart attack; having just embarked on the road to ministry, I was having just a wee bit of anxiety.

And, the better news is this: for the past year, there have been no stories like mine occurring in Massachusetts hospitals; you have put an end to all of that by affording all spousal relationships some basic civil rights, like hospital visitation.

That’s what marriage is for!

Sylvia reminded us that love, fidelity, friendship, parenthood, and partnership are all wrapped up in [the] lifetime commitment we call marriage; BUT that its usefulness is most evident in the pragmatism that we often take for granted.

Marriage is a rite and a right -- right?

Though the marriage ceremony as we commonly know it -- the rite of marriage -- retains customs that predate church influence, the legal nature of marriage -- the right to marriage -- remains its most distinctive feature.

Weddings consist essentially of a public contract freely and mutually assented to before witnesses: To have and to hold is language used in conveyance of property; from this day forward dates the contract; for better or for worse speaks to the unconditional nature of the contract; and, till death us do part describes how the contract may be terminated.[1]

Indeed, with marriage, we ask the world to recognize our mate as such and to affirm the significance of our bond. Of course, we don’t have to die to break the deal these days -- and the public contract may not seem what it used to be -- what with all those Vegas chapels and Elvis officiants and Britney Spears! -- but the contract does bind a male/female couple inextricably to all of its largely invisible state and federal benefits.

Ironically, the gift of same-sex marriage, according to EJ Graff, is that it makes visible a difficult fact of contemporary life: that every commitment -- to job, spouse, community, religion, and more -- must be invented from the inside out, and tested and confirmed as we go.[2] That is, same-sex marriage causes us to see beyond the pragmatic because of its absence in such unions; hence, we see, instead, the great good thing -- the loving commitment.

That’s what marriage is for!

John and I were wed at the Arlington Street Church on September 17, 2000 -- long before the possibility of its legality. Instead, our wedding was a sacrament -- an outward and visible sign of an inward, invisible grace; AND we made a bold and daring public proclamation of our private world: that by the power vested in our own love we are joined.

Our marriage didn’t come with a license either -- or any other paperwork -- save the thousands of dollars worth of legal documents we’ve since had created to protect us. I really do wish it had, though. It would have been nice not to need the compassion of the lone lesbian nurse that brought John to my hospital bedside. It would be nice to feel that my love is okay, like all love is okay. And it will be nice to file joint taxes someday.

But, like most dearly beloved, we gathered not for law but for love. Our marriage came not with papers but with promises -- to dance together even if we are the only ones on the floor -- and to fight fairly and love fiercely for all of our days. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

After all, that’s what marriage is for! Amen.

Now there will be no more loneliness

May the blessing of love rest on all assembled her. May we so love and work together

that our world is enriched and ennobled and the blessings of love are extended to all. Let everyone say “Amen.”

[1] Graff, 2004 What is Marriage For? (Boston: Beacon Press.) p.40

Order of Worship for Sunday, May 15, 2005

Opening Words:

a great good indeed!

Now there will be no more loneliness